I hate you OLCC

Dear OLCC,

I hate you.

If you were a cat I would make hissy sounds at you. I would splash water in your direction. If you were a cat you would be like Lucifer in Cinderella: making messes and laying around like a rotten jerk being stroked by an evil step mother.

For several reasons you are not on my Christmas greetings list. First and foremost, you enforce a law that sucks!

I spent time in France: once when I was 17 and again when I was 20 and an incredible privilege opened up to me; I could drink alkeehawl! Yee dog! Every night I drank myself sick, hung out with people of ill repute and drove recklessly home!! Alright!

Not really. But that's what you would expect, huh?

In Paris, friends and I would climb on the rooftop of our hotel to share beers, we drank wine with our dinner, Champagne under the Eifferl Tower on Fête Nationale, in Nice we drank Heinekens and passed a bottle of Rhône on the beaches until we were silly; danced, and walked on the promenade, we smoked and drank Kingfisher in the Indian restaurants and smoked and drank Rosé in seafood restaurants. We toasted everything and swatted one anothers heads when we burped (a German ritual). And then I went home to the dry country that is the U S of A. Like every young adult in American with stunted maturity compared to our European friends I was given coloring crayons and Shirley Temples with my dinner.

Now I am over 21 and I can't go out with my little sister because she is twenty.

Another reason I whisper curses when someone speaks your name is because you trick people! You solicit a bunch of corrupted minors to go around the state ordering alcohol the way an undercover prostitute wears short denim skirts when trying to seduce people into letting her crawl into their car and slap handcuffs on them. And when a busy server or bartender misses one step; doesn't check ID, doesn't check it thoroughly, pours the drink and then checks ID BOOM they lose their license (and any chance of a job in the restaurant industry) are freakin' FIRED, fined and then you beat their dog and make them watch. Really? REALLY? People under 21 can't even be set a foot in a bar without there being a violation. God forbid!

Why can't you just relax?!?! Just let the kids buy some beer, and give the servers, bartenders, grocery store cashiers, bouncers, etc. etc. a break! You really give people a complex! I feel like I should surgically implant my ID onto my forehead until I am eighty years old so I don't have to hand it to every person in the room when I step into a bar. Here I am at Ray's the other day and some smiling, god-fearing employee offers me a wine sample. "Oh, lovely! Yes, please!" "Can I see your ID?" "...never mind."

And a word to the minors working sting operations for OLCC; TRADERS!!!! I hope you garbage eaters have lonely evenings with pee in your beer when you turn 21 and realize you have no friends!

Okay, we shouldn't serve drunk people. That's probably a good idea. I spent hours in your required OLCC class at the Shiloh Inn years ago just to learn that you shouldn't serve drunk people. Thank you, i would have never known.

Because of your iron hand, neo-prohibistionist existance I hang around 7-11 parking lot and sell marked up cases of Busch Lights, PBR's, and Santana Champagne to children. TAKE THAT OLCC!! You can never stop me! HISSS! HISSSSSSS!