Jay Rowan

It has become difficult to find pictures of him online.
At first it was easy, before 2006.
Jessica and I printed off pictures of him just to look at, paste in our journals like a mid-90's Rider Strong or Devon Sawa. A popular one among us was a photo of him winning a set of speakers from a tech store. The internet fulfilled a desire a real relationship would have if we'd had the courage.
When you look for him his name is everywhere but always in regard with swimming events partaken in his honor.
After he graduated and moved away, Jessica and I would call his house
"is Jay Rowan there?" we asked every time to his frustrated father.
"He's IN COLLEGE," Jay's father would state and hang up.
Funny how the temptation to call remained after he drowned. It almost seems he's still in college. Doing amazing things.
In the grieving process I never got passed the denial phase.
Still, knowing Jay is not out there getting old and doing the spectacular things makes me restless.
There are so many people out there doing stupid things; being phony and messing things up for everyone. To recognize one of the equalizers are gone can make one crazy. It makes me want to do better. Make up for the loss in the world.
You ever see the movie "Always" with Richard Dreyfuss and John Goodman? Richard Dreyfuss is a firefighter pilot who dies and comes back as a ghost to be a mentor for another young pilot. "Pete" (Dreyfuss) hovers over the shoulder of his student making telepathic suggestions of what to do, when to drop water, blah blah blah. This is what I imagine Jay doing. A made-up mentor, a Bodhisattva, a ghost who can talk to me through the channel of Whoppie Goldberg (but I will not make love to Whoopie Goldberg even if Jay Rowan has possessed her).

I don't know what the hell I am writing here. I miss him.