IT: I really admire how you use the proper term "well" rather than "good" when answering my inquiry.
R: No problem. How are you imaginary therapist?
IT: I am doing well, thank you for asking. (pause) So why are we here today?
R: Maybe it's that I am working all day today. Maybe it is the impending reality that I am going to have, once again, nearly 23 days of non-working to look forward too - making me a little desperate and a little looked over. I am upset, and suddenly I am shifting gears. I thought everything was going to be okay, but it's not. Once again I have to struggle and this time in the winter. This time near Christmas.
IT: Are you saying you are upset because you won't be having enough money?
R: Yes! It's impossible! I just feel like I can't find the right place for me - I can't be settled and have things just work, I don't want to be an adult! (cries a little)
IT: (passes tissues) You sound like you are becoming regressive.
R: I am becoming regressive! My car broke down yesterday and my friend Erin helped and my Dad had all this advice and everything but what if my car breaks down?! How will I get to work? How will I go grocery shopping for work? How will I do anything? And I don't want to rely on anyone, because adults don't do that! They can take care of themselves.
IT: Okay, Rachel. You are getting a little shrill. Take a deep breath.
R: (takes deep breath)
IT: You know it's going to be alright.
R: I know (still upset). But it won't be alright. I feel like I can't talk to anyone without sounding like all those other people who whine to me about not having enough money. I hate hearing about how "broke" everyone is. We have such a high standard of living in this country, "broke" is such a pathetic nonexistent reality most of the time. I hate when people whine about being broke because they aren't broke! They have a nice car and a warm house. They have a good credit score and people to rely on and blah blah blah.
IT: Not to lecture you, Rachel, but you shouldn't act around what you don't like other people doing.
R: But it's true! There are so many people in my life that claim they have nothing when they have so much more than I do, they have things to rely on.
IT: Perhaps these people are having it hard, like you are. They are struggling with their own levels of financial strain. Regardless of someones current position they very could very well have the fortune of falling down a fiscal notch, and this is hard for most people to bear. Even you could fall down a economic notch.
R: Really? How much worse could it get than living in the least expensive apartment in Bend, driving a car I own that is about to crap out on me, and living pay check to pay check?
IT: It could be worse.
R: ... I feel really ashamed telling you all that. About my finances. It actually is embarrassing to me...
IT: I know. That's why you have me. An imaginary therapist and not a real one.
R: Right...
IT: Do you feel better talking a little about your money situation.
R: Not really. It's just embarrassing and I am ashamed I became specific.
IT: Do you want to talk about that shame?
R: It's only because I don't like sounding off like everyone else and getting so personal. ...
IT: Let's get realistic. You know how to lose weight? It's obvious. Eat less. Exercise more. You know how to save money - Spend less. Work more. Challenge yourself to spend a whole week without spending any money. Think: where can you make cuts? Is dumpster diving a viable option for Christmas gifts this year? Can you assemble things or steal things to pad you Christmas gifts?
R: How did you know Christmas weighed so heavily on my stress?
IT: Sadly, it does for everyone.
R: Why is that? It sucks.
IT: I know it does, but it's because people want the best for each other. The thing we give the most on Christmas is a state of comfort and a peace of mind. We give one another a finanical strain rather than something worthwhile.
R: Yeah... But my family isn't struggling so it's not fair that for the past 2 years I don't get them much. And I don't do enough. Adding to the shame I feel that I am the least successful member of my family and that whenever I need something from them I always feel their judgment. My dad lectures me whenever I talk finances and I feel they look down on me the same way I look at people who constantly talk about being "broke." (begins to become upset) I feel like a child who can't get it together. My mom always wants me to break down my spending and income and I hate doing that because she looks at it and tells me it doesn't make any sense why I live paycheck to paycheck. And my dad thinks he has all the answers. And I remember this time when I was unemployed and my sister went shopping and bought everything she wanted and I couldn't buy anything because I had fifty dollars in my bank account and it wasn't even mine. I feel like they don't understand and it makes me think that I don't even understand myself and why I am the way I am.
IT: You think you are destined to be poor. Like you are stuck in a perma-mind set where you will always live without the ability to generate money. (And I am not going to give you that crap about the state of being poor is "all in your head," and true "wealth" is spiritual and emotional. I know what you mean and it's strictly money. You feel you don't have money you don't have control.)
R: My dad always make these comments about my mom's family in Vegas, like they live this horrible low life. I feel living like that it is in my blood and I can't avoid it. I am a LEE therefore I am frugal forever looking for shoddy goods to fluff up hoping others won't realize I am poor. These comments and the view as my family as not making it have absorbed into my vision of who I am. It makes me feel like I am not in control. Like I am destined to have this life. I want to be rich! I want to have a car where when it breaks down I can call someone and yell at them because it's under warranty! I want to have a big luxurious house which is always warm with studio lighting and big high ceilings that make my heating bill unsustainibly high. No, I don't want any of these things. I don't know what I want.
IT: You just want the kind of inner power a person with money has.
R: Yeah, but what is that?
IT: In my opinion, it's something that doesn't exist. Well, it kind of exists. People will always call to yell at someone when they think they have been taken advantage of but this actually exposes their lack of power.
R: No, it doesn't.
IT: Yes, it does. You see, a person who really feels they have control of the situation, who is really powerful is the person who can logically call a tow truck and a mechanic and get things fixed. They don't need to yell. They yell because they imagine someone out their in the imaginary world has called them less than what they believe they are worth. These people know they are worth nothing, they know they are nothing but hot air and a massive debt. They know the personality empire they built around themselves, for themselves, and probably without deserving on the backs of people who likely will not see a reward - is just a fragile as the brittle pipe dream the very success is based on.
R: You sound bitter.
IT: This isn't about me.
R: ... rich people aren't bad. They suck, they are ruining the earth. But, excuses must be made. It's not all their fault. I just confessed an ardent wish to be wealthy because I want everything in my life to be working/functional, easy, and then I don't have to rely on anyone, can also get my family Christmas presents, and don't have to feel the stress of my fathers imaginary judgement.
IT: Do you want to say something in regards to your father?
R: Yes. My Mom and I were talking the other day. I was lamenting how his harsh and unrelenting judgment of myself and everything around himself affected me and she became upset. She told me that he is a hypocrite. She cleared things up for me. My Dad is a hypocrite. He isn't any better than all the people and things he casts down. That's the truth.
IT: Did that help you better gain perspective on your own self-consciousness with not feeling you make enough money?
R: Yeah, I felt like crying. It was a real catharsis. It was also nice to hear my mom speak up with a lot of emotion - emotion that was clear. It wasn't that speaking ill of Dad, it was constructive to my relationship with him, breaking down his continuing ability to hurt me psyschologically...
IT: I will ask you not to use that kind of language when discussing your feelings. Keep yourself from probing and finding reasons, allow me to be your psychologist, don't be your own psychologist.
What you're saying is talking to your mom about your dad was helpful for you. It made real the feelings of inferiority and your mom was able to keep in control by invalidating his judgments.
R: Yes. Okay, I have to go now. Sorry. I just looked up my old High School social studies eacher Mr. Udesen online and he is doing very well and it made me really happy. I think I am doing much better, thank you.
R: Thanks, see you next time.
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