The perfect day blessed by an early day donation to OPB and all I ask for is two grocery bags and a tree planted. I love OPB.
The screen doors are gone for the season and the dead flowers have all been put away. The ground is bare and simple, the fantasy of Sylvia Plath's poem Spinster and maybe I too can find peace in a winter which usually makes me blind by staring at things close up and ignoring the outside.
The rest of the day goes easy on me. The weather is fair. The lead colored cat comes inside as I make the bed and we play the old game Snowball liked where I made the bed with her under it. This cat, my neighbors cat, Jasper, likes the game to and it's nice to have a cat to talk to once in awhile.
Lucas comes over as I sit outside, Kevin asleep inside. We discuss the lead cat and what it does and I try to explain it's ways a bit. Rich comes over and watchs as we chase it into a tree and then try to coax it down with the stem of a dead plant. Then we play Frisbee for a bit.
Suddenly it's dark and I'm at Townshend's where a lovely girl brings me mate and asks me about a comic have resting on the scrum, traveller work space. The Jolie Holland song I've had stuck in my head for weeks is playing as she tells me I should have a showing at the tea place. I believe her but I don't believe in myself.
Hours later I am at Camalli drinking a Widmer next to Sarah Viles and Tonia where three writers from Throwback Books including dear friend Jonathan are at the front holding their contributions to the literary world.
They read and it is satisfying. On the second beer I reach the feeling that has been eluding me and I feel real. What is my relationship with the present moment? I am content. Crosslegged with two braids.
I buy Chris' book and read Jonathan Treadway's hand (water or fire hand with a strong fate line and straight head and heart lines).
Driving to Nicci's house to watch the Office and then find myself home with Kevin wanting to smoke cloves.
So I do. Take the long way through downtown and into the park to Galveston where I get a La Cerveza de Pacifico Clara, Djarum blacks, and a blue lighter.
"My favorite color," cashier says.
Walk home writing poetry the whole way until I am home without even still working on my first clove. Lighting candles on the front porch I write in my journal until Kevin comes to discuss his prospects of going back to school and reading in next months Poetry Slam with Lia.
The air suddenly goes from cool to cold and we head inside.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wednesday 14th (day 11)
In a dream Larry and His Flask was addicted to meth and I was the samrui protector of the executive director at my work who people were trying to assassninate.
Cherie, one of the people I work with, has the swine flu. She is the closest person I know with swine flu.
Swine flu makes a peace sign, points to its eyes then turns its hoof and points at me, "I'm coming for you."
A quilt conference had found itself into the building I work at, "I'm going to crash it," Fran told me.
On the radio,"Think Outloud" was talking about people who decide to not have kids. Held a baby for longer than I've ever held a baby and thought about my decisions.
4:00pm Dylan working at RMH.
Sent off some more pen-pal letters through swap bot. 5 personalized homemade envelopes a mini zine in each. In the next week I will get 5 less than incredible mini-zines but it will be something to look forward to.
Picked up day-olds at Nancy P's for work then went to my other job for an hour where I work part-time as a receptionist.
Text conversation with Dall.
5:37pm Had a dream you and your bandmates were addicted to meth. What have you been up to?
5:40pm I had a dream last night my mom cu my beard off with scissors. What have YOU been up to?
6:21pm nothing for the past few days. Work ... trying to uncover the universal real.
7:10pm I've been trying to figure out my personal real. Sometimes its tough to figure.
When I got home I told Kevin,
"I need to be alone right now. I need you to pretend you are not here."
But he was. Stirring julienned onions for a marinara sauce, "mind if I use you wine?"
I lit my Virgin to Guadalupe candle, burned incense, took a bath, read Sark, drank wine, made tea, and kept refilling the tub with hot water as it cooled off praying with every splash the way I was taught in Ilse Content a perzine from Olympia I got on trade.
Something is wrong. My homelife feels broken. I feel broken.
Out of the bath I finally felt pure. A spider I had whipped off the shower curtain broke it's leg so I took it outside to live in the laundry room to heal. Jonathen was outside walking by and I explained the situation.
"Have you been crying?" heasked.
I'm just drunk. But I found humility.
Kevin left and I tried to watch a Peter Shaffer film adapted Amadeus before the tracking fucked up and then I just let sleep take me away.
Cherie, one of the people I work with, has the swine flu. She is the closest person I know with swine flu.
Swine flu makes a peace sign, points to its eyes then turns its hoof and points at me, "I'm coming for you."
A quilt conference had found itself into the building I work at, "I'm going to crash it," Fran told me.
On the radio,"Think Outloud" was talking about people who decide to not have kids. Held a baby for longer than I've ever held a baby and thought about my decisions.
4:00pm Dylan working at RMH.
Sent off some more pen-pal letters through swap bot. 5 personalized homemade envelopes a mini zine in each. In the next week I will get 5 less than incredible mini-zines but it will be something to look forward to.
Picked up day-olds at Nancy P's for work then went to my other job for an hour where I work part-time as a receptionist.
Text conversation with Dall.
5:37pm Had a dream you and your bandmates were addicted to meth. What have you been up to?
5:40pm I had a dream last night my mom cu my beard off with scissors. What have YOU been up to?
6:21pm nothing for the past few days. Work ... trying to uncover the universal real.
7:10pm I've been trying to figure out my personal real. Sometimes its tough to figure.
When I got home I told Kevin,
"I need to be alone right now. I need you to pretend you are not here."
But he was. Stirring julienned onions for a marinara sauce, "mind if I use you wine?"
I lit my Virgin to Guadalupe candle, burned incense, took a bath, read Sark, drank wine, made tea, and kept refilling the tub with hot water as it cooled off praying with every splash the way I was taught in Ilse Content a perzine from Olympia I got on trade.
Something is wrong. My homelife feels broken. I feel broken.
Out of the bath I finally felt pure. A spider I had whipped off the shower curtain broke it's leg so I took it outside to live in the laundry room to heal. Jonathen was outside walking by and I explained the situation.
"Have you been crying?" heasked.
I'm just drunk. But I found humility.
Kevin left and I tried to watch a Peter Shaffer film adapted Amadeus before the tracking fucked up and then I just let sleep take me away.
Tuesday 13th (day 10)
Joey Kotsosovas, a peer who I shared the 3rd, 4th, & 5th grade with told me him and his old best friend Roccy were no longer friends because one time at a football game Joey bought Roccy a hot dog and a beer and when a football player fell into the crowd and onto Roccy, Roccy dumped the hot dog and beer everywhere. I woke up from that dream wondering how the recesses of subcoincios could dig so deep into my long-term memory.
Today I tried to relearn grace. It is my goal this week. Too much stomping around, forcing the square peg into the round hole, putting my hands on the gears and moving the world. Relearning what it is to sit down and listen to the radio.
Jaycee Dugard is on the cover of People magazine, she's beautiful.
Erin's birthday was tonight and she wanted to go bowling. "big lebowski style," she said in a text.
It was Big Lebowski with a lactose intolerant spin as we drank white russians with rice milk.
Bowled the worse of everyone even though my peronal team name was Sparta.
Walking out silly on rice milk white russians Diana was mentioning a something she had learned or was learning or was studying or was the purpose of her existance about a nature deficeiency disorder where people who don't get out in nature tend to have similar symptoms in their social and personal and health lives.
Shared enthusiasm with Kecia who was excited to hear I wrote zines.
"Let's write zines," in the shiny parking lot where we all looked like we were smoking cigarettes but only two really were.
No one had the ashes of a dearly departed blown in their face by sweeping coastal wind but Erin did turn 27 at some point and Kevin and I watched the rest of The Shadowless Sword before falling asleep.
Today I tried to relearn grace. It is my goal this week. Too much stomping around, forcing the square peg into the round hole, putting my hands on the gears and moving the world. Relearning what it is to sit down and listen to the radio.
Jaycee Dugard is on the cover of People magazine, she's beautiful.
Erin's birthday was tonight and she wanted to go bowling. "big lebowski style," she said in a text.
It was Big Lebowski with a lactose intolerant spin as we drank white russians with rice milk.
Bowled the worse of everyone even though my peronal team name was Sparta.
Walking out silly on rice milk white russians Diana was mentioning a something she had learned or was learning or was studying or was the purpose of her existance about a nature deficeiency disorder where people who don't get out in nature tend to have similar symptoms in their social and personal and health lives.
Shared enthusiasm with Kecia who was excited to hear I wrote zines.
"Let's write zines," in the shiny parking lot where we all looked like we were smoking cigarettes but only two really were.
No one had the ashes of a dearly departed blown in their face by sweeping coastal wind but Erin did turn 27 at some point and Kevin and I watched the rest of The Shadowless Sword before falling asleep.
Monday 12th (day 9)
The invoice for Bendfilm looks like a grownup might have done it which is what I was going for but feel strange for accomplishing it. Receipts stapled to the back - an entire weeks worth of work totals $130, an award certificate I made for myself which indicates a return to normal life. Normal work. Sleeping normal times. Maybe sit in a quiet place for a few hours and catch up on the leaves turning. There has been too much all-at-once going on. A joke bill I make up for Bendfilm with the food, drink and electricity we consumed during our late-night photo editing comes to a couple hundred. I send one to Jonathan.
At the hub there is a wind-down feeling was taking place between Stephanie and Jim the director. Like everyone finished their smoke break and it's time to put up the chairs for the night cleaning crew.
"I did you all a huge favor by not humiliating myself in front of Rider Strong," I tell them. "I love him."
They ask me why the hell I didn't and tell me they would have introduced us.
The real reason I didn't meet him: I was embarassed the way a middle school girl is when she drops her trapper keeper in front of the most popular boy in school and the cover is carved with his name. There are regrets of course.
I propose a plan to have mini film events in peoples homes and unique venues with a floating projector and screen for fundraising. We'll see though I am so fucking tired of thinking right now.
In a staff meeting at my job the receptionists cell phone blows up in another room, a wailing Christian song "O PRINCE OF PEEEEEACE," it harkens, but she doesn't move for several seconds. I think she's trying to secretly convert some of us.
Tonight was nothing. Watched the second half of Andromeda Strain after a plot synopsis by Kevin. We got in a tiff afterward because I didn't get it. Time travel eludes me and makes me a little upset. I like my linear dimensions. Kevin hates explaining movies to people as he finds them obvious.
Pulled an fresh notebook out of the storage unit. Gave up ever finding the old one.
At the hub there is a wind-down feeling was taking place between Stephanie and Jim the director. Like everyone finished their smoke break and it's time to put up the chairs for the night cleaning crew.
"I did you all a huge favor by not humiliating myself in front of Rider Strong," I tell them. "I love him."
They ask me why the hell I didn't and tell me they would have introduced us.
The real reason I didn't meet him: I was embarassed the way a middle school girl is when she drops her trapper keeper in front of the most popular boy in school and the cover is carved with his name. There are regrets of course.
I propose a plan to have mini film events in peoples homes and unique venues with a floating projector and screen for fundraising. We'll see though I am so fucking tired of thinking right now.
In a staff meeting at my job the receptionists cell phone blows up in another room, a wailing Christian song "O PRINCE OF PEEEEEACE," it harkens, but she doesn't move for several seconds. I think she's trying to secretly convert some of us.
Tonight was nothing. Watched the second half of Andromeda Strain after a plot synopsis by Kevin. We got in a tiff afterward because I didn't get it. Time travel eludes me and makes me a little upset. I like my linear dimensions. Kevin hates explaining movies to people as he finds them obvious.
Pulled an fresh notebook out of the storage unit. Gave up ever finding the old one.
Sunday 11th (day 8)
Sunday is truly sleeping in and making breakfast or lunch with Kevin at 12:00. Bought garlic at Newport (expensive) while Kevin got milk and a newspaper. Lunch was egg sandwich for me and something else for him over sharing section of the newspaper and fading in and out of immemorable conversation.
A sudden snap out of a the perfectly lazy Sunday afternoon I realized I had to go grocery shopping and the decided I had to watch at least one film for the film festival (and redeem my rights as a volunteer).
After a sprint through Costco and Safeway with grocery list in hand without a glitch I drove a bleary eyed stretch to the Sisters theater to watch the Attic Door, the film winning three awards at the festival. Parents met me in Sisters and I did a very uncharactertic thing and bought a latte in an attempt to be present, to not feel like I was in waking dream, to WAKE UP. No luck.
Driving home to make it to the Overbrook Brother's I break down. No way. Cancel all plans. I need to schuck basil and made enough pesto to last me the winter. I need to be with my boyfriend and do nothing. Which is what I did.
A sudden snap out of a the perfectly lazy Sunday afternoon I realized I had to go grocery shopping and the decided I had to watch at least one film for the film festival (and redeem my rights as a volunteer).
After a sprint through Costco and Safeway with grocery list in hand without a glitch I drove a bleary eyed stretch to the Sisters theater to watch the Attic Door, the film winning three awards at the festival. Parents met me in Sisters and I did a very uncharactertic thing and bought a latte in an attempt to be present, to not feel like I was in waking dream, to WAKE UP. No luck.
Driving home to make it to the Overbrook Brother's I break down. No way. Cancel all plans. I need to schuck basil and made enough pesto to last me the winter. I need to be with my boyfriend and do nothing. Which is what I did.
Saturday 10th (day 7)
Hours of sleep. Excessive lovely sleep but Kevin is shuffling around, getting ready to get coffee and I am guilty for being a jerk last night. I apologize but we still drift away - he is leaving and I head off showerless to Kinko's to make copies for tonights Bendfilm Awards.
Framing the images in black Dollar Tree frames I go from discouraged and disappointed to jubiliant in two glasses of wine. Shamelessly I turn up the 94.1 on the radio and connect with Lady Gaga, clean the house, dress for the occassion, (BLACK LONG SLEEVE WITH TWEED SKIRT) and dance ugly in my room of a project finally finished.
When my parents get there I am cross eyed with anxiety or excitment.
At the Tower where the Awards are hosted I meet up with Erin and Brad bring the framed certificates through the back.
(buffet comic)
(Rider comic)
Read the tarot (tator) cards for Brad and Jonathan. I get more drunk.
Awards assembly was lovely, Terri extends a special honor to our team for the awards where we stand. (did Rider see? Did he think I was interesting, fascinating, brilliant, beautiful?)
Woman and man two rows in front during the ceremony were making everyone behind them uncomfortable with excessive PDA; man rubbing womans back intimately. Dreaming of the bedroom. She: ginger with short dress He: the much older man.
Spilling into the street borrowing cigarettes from Rider's brother in exchange for a snubbed pam reading. During the length of our smoke on the corner in front of 900 Wall we sang Happy Birthday three times and I got to see Daniel and Jon Ball, Christian brothers.
"I don't smoke," I told them.
The Afterparty at 900 'n Wall was Erin, Brad & I telling horrible animal stories.
(comic of Erin's story: dead dog put him back. Funny thing happened.)
The late night we found ourselves at the M&J and I found the Kev finally hovering over a pool table. Talked to Cassie and Sarah, two of my favorite people to see in general and played game of pool (I hate pool) with Brad & Erin while staring off into space at the Ms. Pacman tournament that was taking place (I love watching people play video games).
Framing the images in black Dollar Tree frames I go from discouraged and disappointed to jubiliant in two glasses of wine. Shamelessly I turn up the 94.1 on the radio and connect with Lady Gaga, clean the house, dress for the occassion, (BLACK LONG SLEEVE WITH TWEED SKIRT) and dance ugly in my room of a project finally finished.
When my parents get there I am cross eyed with anxiety or excitment.
At the Tower where the Awards are hosted I meet up with Erin and Brad bring the framed certificates through the back.
(buffet comic)
(Rider comic)
Read the tarot (tator) cards for Brad and Jonathan. I get more drunk.
Awards assembly was lovely, Terri extends a special honor to our team for the awards where we stand. (did Rider see? Did he think I was interesting, fascinating, brilliant, beautiful?)
Woman and man two rows in front during the ceremony were making everyone behind them uncomfortable with excessive PDA; man rubbing womans back intimately. Dreaming of the bedroom. She: ginger with short dress He: the much older man.
Spilling into the street borrowing cigarettes from Rider's brother in exchange for a snubbed pam reading. During the length of our smoke on the corner in front of 900 Wall we sang Happy Birthday three times and I got to see Daniel and Jon Ball, Christian brothers.
"I don't smoke," I told them.
The Afterparty at 900 'n Wall was Erin, Brad & I telling horrible animal stories.
(comic of Erin's story: dead dog put him back. Funny thing happened.)
The late night we found ourselves at the M&J and I found the Kev finally hovering over a pool table. Talked to Cassie and Sarah, two of my favorite people to see in general and played game of pool (I hate pool) with Brad & Erin while staring off into space at the Ms. Pacman tournament that was taking place (I love watching people play video games).
Friday 9th (day 6)
A snap shot. Sitting with Jonathan in a full of great afternoon sun with a award the weight of a four year set on the table. If I were to get coffee I would likely have a panic attack. If I do get coffee I will likely fall asleep while driving killing many. Staring off into a blue sky, there are no words.
"I ... " beginning to say but break off.
"What?" Jonathan says.
"I ... am so tired."
and overwhelmed. and happy. and anxious. about to burst into tears ... or maybe I'll just pass out and wake up someone else. Life is but a dream.
This morning I came to work in glasses (pic) because my eyes were bloodshot from then night before, staring without blinking at a computer, staring at white pieces of paper. Drinking wine.
Jonathan, "Wal Mart."
Hanging up I said, "dammit, I hated making that call."
Jonathen: "At least you got to use the word assuage in a sentence."
"Can you talk to this?"
Technology isn't working today, I need Jonathan to talk to everything.
"It feels like the first time trying a new drug," as we take sips of nasty energy shots with warning labels saying the Niacin will make our skin feel like it's peeling off and promises of never sleeping again.
"I bet Rider is with Terri right now at his hotel."
Pick Erica up at a party she isn't feeling at 1:00am.
By 4:00am we are done. The project saved on the computer and our personal thumb drives.
At home Kevin is asleep with the light on and I am cold to him because the his clothes were shurgged off around the house and the dishes were undone. Needless to say I was not cuddled tonight.
"I ... " beginning to say but break off.
"What?" Jonathan says.
"I ... am so tired."
and overwhelmed. and happy. and anxious. about to burst into tears ... or maybe I'll just pass out and wake up someone else. Life is but a dream.
This morning I came to work in glasses (pic) because my eyes were bloodshot from then night before, staring without blinking at a computer, staring at white pieces of paper. Drinking wine.
- Humane Society (best in show shoot of cats and dogs) (Jonathan talks to all the dogs (photo))
- The Dump (for something - it's closed so we miss our chance)
Jonathan, "Wal Mart."
- Wal-Mart for guerilla photographing of crowds and rows and McDonalds.
Hanging up I said, "dammit, I hated making that call."
Jonathen: "At least you got to use the word assuage in a sentence."
- Bendfilm Hub, waiting for everyone to leave so we can take up the office and edit all the photos into their completed forms TONIGHT.
"Can you talk to this?"
Technology isn't working today, I need Jonathan to talk to everything.
"It feels like the first time trying a new drug," as we take sips of nasty energy shots with warning labels saying the Niacin will make our skin feel like it's peeling off and promises of never sleeping again.
"I bet Rider is with Terri right now at his hotel."
Pick Erica up at a party she isn't feeling at 1:00am.
By 4:00am we are done. The project saved on the computer and our personal thumb drives.
At home Kevin is asleep with the light on and I am cold to him because the his clothes were shurgged off around the house and the dishes were undone. Needless to say I was not cuddled tonight.
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